Judgement

I never really thought of myself as a judgemental person.  The way I see it is I have always said what is one my mind and if offended others then it was their fault.  I wasn't judging them, I was just telling them the truth.  Well I guess I was wrong....

Sometimes I need to remind myself to look into the mirror...I need to remember that I have struggles, that I am imperfect and in need of a reality check from time to time.  I need to remember that I have fallen and made many mistakes before I start to share my opinion with others about their problems.  Maybe it makes me feel better about myself when I can compare my problems with others.  I dont know.  I have always justified this by saying "well the stuff I have done wrong isn't nearly as bad as what they are doing".  This is foolish....It doesn't matter what your fault is.  If your faults hurt others, they are the same. 

I cannot compare what is going on in my life with what others have going on in theirs. 

Gone Fishin....

In May I decided to take my father in law on a deep sea fishing trip.  Neither of us had ever been so I thought it would be a fun trip for the both of us.  My brother in law Ray also came with us, along with my FIL's cousin Dink. 

The problem is I booked the trip way before we knew we were getting the boys.  My wife stepped up and kept the kids so the boys could make the 12 hour trip down to Port Aransas.

Jerry, Dink and I left Lubbock early Friday morning to head towards Austin to pick up Ray.  Then the last leg of the trip to the Port.  Saturday morning we woke up at 4:30 in order to get to the dock by 5am.  We were all so tired.  The room Ray and I stayed in had some malfunctions with the air condition and the microwave.  Needless to say we didn't get any sleep.  The boat ride to our fishing spot took us 3 hours.  We finally arrived and started fishing.  We were expecting to catch a ton of Red Snapper and as soon as I pulled the first one in the boat our hearts were broken.  The deck hands told us we missed snapper season!!!  We all caught a ton of fish but had to throw all the red snappers back!  After a long day of fishing, we reeled our lines in one last time and started back on the 3 hour trip to the port. 

Day two we went bay fishing.  We were looking to catch some red drum.  Well the wind didn't cooperate and we had a tough time catching many fish.  Jerry and Ray got big reds but for the most part it was a slow day on the ocean.

My favorite part of the trip was Sunday night.  We went to a crab boil.  Four guys sitting around, eating shrimp, crab and sausage, while drinking a few beers laughing at all the stupid stuff we have done in our lives.  It made the trip for sure! 

Overall it was a great trip.  While we didn't catch as many fish as we wanted, you can't replace the experience and the friendships..

We finally made it home and Rebecca said the boys acted pretty well.  After a long trip it was great to be home.  One of the things we got while in Port A was fresh shrimp.  When I say fresh I mean right out of the water fresh.  Well today I de-headed them while the kids watched....It was too funny!  As I ripped their heads off Cayden asked so many questions.  He couldn't wrap his head around me pulling the shrimp head off and explaining what the brown stuff coming out of them was.  I told him it was their poop and he freaked out.  I finally got him to hold the shrimp.  He was still a little freaked out about them...

 

Tonight was skate night for Mehkya and Cayden.  Every month the school sponsors a skate night for the kids...It was a lot of fun but I will let this video tell the story.  I can say this, Roller Skating is not like riding a bike!

To be continued....



Emotions

I'm starting this blog by saying that I have an amazing wife.  She has been through thick and thin with me, from dealing with deployments (twice), being a single mother while I was away and many other issues that have come her way during our marriage.  She has been such a trooper during this transition and it makes my heart smile knowing that no matter what type of obstacle gets thrown our way, she will be there with me hand in hand always.

I am not the smartest person in the world.  I am not the best at anything I do.  I have more faults than I can count and have struggles that would shock anyone.  Saying this, it is who I am.  I know who I am and use my strengths to overcome my weaknesses.  I am not afraid to take criticism, if others give me advice, I take the time to listen and try to make changes.  I am not afraid of someone giving it to me straight, as a matter of fact, I like it.  It may upset me, it may piss me off, but I have the inner strength to keep my mouth shut and prove people wrong. 

Today was an emotional day and I am lost trying to figure out how to handle it. Should I be straight forward? Should I sugar coat the issues?  Should I lay it all out there in a hope that the message will get across?  I really do not know.  I know this all seems like I'm rambling and I probably am.  I just have so many thoughts running through my head and the inability to write them down. 

I don't have all the answers but this I know...There is right and wrong, safe and unsafe, smart and stupid, and honest and deceit and if you choose one of that later, it will lead to a world of problems....I'm not the answer for these boys.  I blog about how I see them change in their daily lives while living with us....I don't know these boys very well.  I don't know how they acted before they came here, all I know is what I see and what I see are two boys who have huge heart, love attention, enjoy being encouraged and need affection....I'm not saying they were not loved before(they were).  I'm not saying they didn't get attention, I'm not saying that they didn't recieve encouragement...I'm saying that I see a difference in their attitudes and mannerisms when they are praised in certain ways.  We are not perfect...We have faults....But I promise you that if anyone points out our faults we do not argue with them, we take their advice with a smile and try to apply it to our lives....this situation sucks for all involved but not nearly as much for the two knuckleheads that are laying in their beds as I write this blog....My prayer tonight is that everyone will stop trying to make people think they are doing the right thing and instead just do the right thing...Control your emotions, learn from your mistakes and become who you were created to be...

On a positive note, because of my beautiful wife I was able to take my daughter on a date tonight....It is moments like these that shape her future and I love every minute of it...I also know that if she is the same way at 16 as she is now, I wont have to worry about her going on second dates...(she will talk their ears off!!!!)

To be continued...

Can't beat the sunshine

Today was a beautiful day in Lubbock.  Rebecca had to work this morning so I did our normal routine of waking up to go get donuts....

We cleaned the house today while Rebecca worked.  All the kids helped out a ton.  To our surprise Rebecca got off early and we made plans for the afternoon...

I cooked my world famous french dip sandwiches and they didn't go over well with the boys.  The punishment they received was no dessert...

After lunch we headed to the park for some fun in the sun.  It was truly a beautiful day here.  We got to the park about 2:30 and didn't leave until 6pm.  The park was great.  We were the only ones there for a while and the kids had free reign of the entire place.  We laid in the grass while the kids rolled down the grass hill, climbed trees and played on the equipment...

 Amongst all the fun we still found time to put someone in time out.  Cayden decided to not listen to us about climbing one of the slides so we set him down for a while...

But eventually he was back to rolling down the hill with everyone else..

One of the things the boys have been struggling with is keeping the bathroom clean.  They like to play in the water or not clean up after washing their hands.  Well today they made a huge mess and found out that it is easier to clean it up than scrub the floors for 30min with a wash rag.  I hope they learned their lesson....

 The day ended with a great meal by Rebecca. 

Back to school tomorrow....

Worry

I had one of those shift where we didn't get any sleep.  Up all night saving the young people who get stupid drunk during their first year of college...Also helping out those same young people who don't know how to turn off the water to the toilet so it floods the entire floor of their apartment complex.  Needless to say when I get home after getting 2 hours of sleep at work: I was dead tired...

I didn't want to go to Church last night at all.  I wanted to sit my fat butt on the couch, drink a cold drink and watch the rest of the Tech game....then pass out!  Well Rebecca insisted we go to church and I reluctantly said ok....

The service was about worry... Preaching out of Matthew 6 it got me thinking about how weak I truly am in trusting the Lord.  I worry about everything.  I worry if I am doing the right things for my girls.  I worry if I am being the man my wife wants me to be or deserves. I worry about silly trivial things at work.. I worry if we are handling the situation we are in right now the correct way.  I worry that the parents of these boys are doing what they need to do to get these kids back. I worry.....I worry and I worry.....and it is not a great feeling..

Do I really trust the Lord?  That is the question.....How do I not worry when everything around me is concerning? How do I look into the eyes of my girls and worry if this is creating a gap in our relationship; and tell them it is going to be ok?  It is my goal this week to see if I can drop my worries and just trust God in this situation.

I understand it is normal to worry about everything but what does that say about me and my walk?  It really bothered me last night that I learned how weak I am in this area...It's almost a slap in the face of God.....

Will this work out?  I'm not going to worry about it...

Spare or Spoil and a little humble pie

Everyone knows this verse but what if you can't apply it?  Proverbs 13:24 "Whoever spares the rod hates their children,
but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them".

This is a verse we live by in our house.  We discipline our children.  For small incidents we discipline by taking things away or putting them in time out ect....For major incidents such as lying, stealing, or life safety issues we spank our kids.  Our kids are not perfect but I feel it is safe to say that they are well behaved and know how to act in the majority of situations they face...

Our hands are tied right now...How do we discipline when we have to spare the rod?  Is this truly going to spoil the child?  If the circumstance warrants harsh discipline and you cannot act on that circumstance what do you do?  I understand the reasoning behind the rule, but it is killing me knowing that I can't straighten out a situation a certain way when it is warranted....After studying this verse for a while I found out what the meaning is. Verse 24 means this. When a child is in his infancy, before vicious habits are contracted, or he is accustomed to sinning, and hardened in it; or as soon as a crime is perpetrated, before it is forgot or repeated: or every morning, that is, continually, as often as it is necessary, or as faults are committed is when you should for lack of better terms "spank their booty's". 

It makes sense really...Teach them young what is right and wrong so that later in life they will be conditioned to know the difference...

But what if they are older and you have to spare the rod?  Can you reverse this?  I guess we will find out..

When I was in 10th grade I got a little cocky...I thought I was a lot better at everything than I really was and let everyone know about it.  It took a good friend on the track at West Mesquite High School to straighten me out..We were stretching and he looked up at me and told me to shut up!  I was stunned, but he explained that if I would keep my mouth shut about myself I would have more friends ect...It was a lesson that really hit home and I have tried to remember it since...Well this is for someone I know.  Just do it...don't tell me about it, just do it...I like the way the old SMU coach put it when he said "don't tell me about the labor, just show me the baby".   My life verse about being humble (something I need to work on constantly) is 2 Cor 11:30  and it states "If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness".   If this is the case, I could boast all day and night.....

To be continued.....

Smell of fall in the air

I'm not a big fan of those who steal...it is a cheap way to get ahead that only works for a short period of time.  In my eyes, it is the fastest way for me to lose trust in someone...

I really think stealing is one of the lowest things you can do...I think people who steal are among the lowest of the lows on our Earth....I believe in hard work, I believe in honesty, I believe that if you want something that others have then go out and work to get it..There are know free passes...This is a lesson that needs to be learned at a young age...

Today was a beautiful day here in Lubbock.  We got a small amount of rain and the temps were cool. Tomorrow we are expecting rain and we are in need of it..

I have a really long run to do tomorrow and I'm dreading it..two hours in the rain should be fun!

Cayden is doing really well in school.  His teacher told us tonight that he is a very loving kid and is doing great in class...Although there are some issues, he seems to really enjoy school.

I am really in need of my 48hours off.  I need the rest for sure!

To be continued...

Is today Thanksgiving?

Today I smoked a Chicken and pork loin...When I pulled them off the smoker and started pulling the meat off and Cayden asked me what I was doing...I told him I was pulling the meat of the Chicken, and he asked if it was thanksgiving....THANKSGIVING??? I asked...He said yes we only have turkey on thanksgiving...I explained to him that this was a chicken and then the questions started coming....Where is its head? Is that his butt?  What is the red stuff? Where is its legs? ect...ect.

Whole Chicken $3.00
Pork Loin $4.00
Rice a Roni $2.00
Corn on the cob $3.00

Feed a family of 6.....$12.00

6 stomachs full and asking for more.....priceless

It reminds me that you do not have to have bells and whistles to show that you love someone...It doesn't take the most expensive meal to put a smile on a child's face...

Is this the problem we face today?  Do we lavish our kids with expensive gifts in order to buy their happiness?  Have we forgotten that all it takes is a $3.00 chicken and some good laughs in order to show them happiness?  All I know is for $2 a piece we had a great dinner sitting around the table talking about the best parts of our day...Simple

Sept 11

I've been waiting 10 years to write about this day...

I got home from the firestation and decided to take a nap..I got a phone call from a friend of mine who told me that we were being attacked.  I turned on the t.v. saw what was going on and rolled over, looked at Rebecca and told her that I was about to get a phone call and that I would be gone for an undetermined amount of time.  The confusion on her face said it all....

We had moved to Valdosta, Ga on Aug 18th, 2001.  She had no friends, no family and no job.  September 11th was her introduction into being a military wife.  Shortly after our conversation I got the call and headed to Moody AFB.  Three days later I was gone.......

Months later I returned home.  When I left, Rebecca and I were eating off of an ironing board because we did not have a table at our home.  When I returned she had made our small apartment at twin oaks a home...

She was at work when I got home so I took a nap...I was jet lagged and weary when she tapped me on the shoulder to tell me she was home..It wasn't the homecoming she was expecting for I threw a right cross that caught her in the chest....She let me sleep for a while. (I still don't remember this happening, but i'm assuming it is true)....

Our world was changed..marriage and our first child came in the next couple of years...Because of Sept 11th, I re-deployed on March 17th 2003.  The reason I know the day is because it was two weeks after Mehkya was born...As is the life of a military man...I was gone again to a foreign land away from my wife and my newborn child.......

Today I am a firefighter in Lubbock, Texas and my feelings are strange.  It is tough hearing people come up to me with good intentions telling me they appreciate what I do for a living.  I know they mean well but it is not what I want to be know for.  As fireman we morn for the 343 who died on that tragic day in 2001.  The brotherhood lost many brave men, guys who we should admire and look up to.  But when people in small town USA tell me they are proud of my fire department service it doesn't make me feel proud...

We are public servants...We are called to do whatever it takes to protect our community.  It is honorable that we are recognized on this tragic day, but the recognition should be given to our brothers and sisters in New York, to the men and women who deployed 3 days later to an unknown destination for an unknown amount of time....They are the hero's....I feel many first responders ride the coat tails of the FDNY, NYPD, PAPD and those who helped at ground zero....This is not our day, it is theirs...this is the day they need to be honored, not ours....those who were truly effected by the towers falling...the ones who lost moms and dads, uncles and aunts...to those who were fortunate enough to hug their loved ones because of the men who climbed 80 stories to make sure they were able to get out of the towers before they fell...this is their day...We will never be able to understand what they went through on this tragic day just because we wear the same badge or we watched countless hours of coverage on t.v. ...I am proud of being a fireman and would proudly give my life to save another if tragedy happened in my city......But I don't want to take away from those who sacrificed everything on that day...

I want to be remembered for Sept 14th 2001 when I left the greatest nation on Earth to serve my country...I want to be remembered for March 17th 2003 for the sacrifice of leaving my newborn child behind to serve my country...This is my legacy...

September 11th to me is personal...It is a time in my life where I truly found my soul mate while losing a piece of my soul...It is a time in my life where I realized what true love is with the birth of my daughter while truly understand what true hate is while seeing friends die...It is a time in my life where I realized the true meaning of sacrifice while trying to understand the consequences of selfishness....Will I ever forget? NO....It has shaped me and will continue to do so.....Does time heal scars? Yes....but my scars were healed by the smile of my first born....

9-11-11

Drunk

I want to apologize to the people who followed me home from the game tonight.  I wasn't drunk, I was weaving in and out of lanes because I was dizzy...Let me explain

Frenship game tonight...Cayden on my right, Cam on my left

Cayden:  What team are we?
ME:  White
Cam: What team are we?
Me: White
Cayden: Where is the mascot?
Me: Over there
Cam: Where is the mascot?
Me: Over there
Cayden: Who has the ball?
Me: We do
Cam: Who has the ball?
Me: We do....
Right left, Right left, Right left my head turned answering question after question all night long. My head is spinning...
So I apologize to those who were behind me on the way home....I wasn't drunk just dizzy

Rebecca got to hang out with the girls tonight. Me and the boys went to the game. Everyone is asleep and it's time to cash it in for the day...Tomorrow Rebecca has to work in the morning/afternoon so it's just me until I head to the firestation...Good night world. I need my sleep

To be continued...

Where there is smoke there is fire

I truly have a great job.  I only work 100 days a year (10 days a month) with a ton of vacation. I work for 24 hours and have 48 hours off.  Most of the time when I am at work, I am able to live like I do at home.  I get to watch tv, play ping pong, play xbox, work out,  eat really well and do school work.  I also get to hang out with some of the best people you will ever meet.  My job is awesome most days.  We are always there to help, there are many shift where we don't do a thing and some shifts where we don't get any sleep.  I go into work at 5pm, and get off work the next day at 5pm.  But momma always said there will be days like this.....

At 115am, we responded to a medical call that was fairly routine.  The problem with these calls is they are in the middle of the night and you lose a little bit of sleep..Well last night was no different.  Go to bed after playing video games with the guys at midnight, alarm goes off at 115, we get back to the station at 150 and crawl back in bed....Alarm goes off again at 515 for a structure fire...

There are many different types of fires we fight.  The normal run of the mill house fire where we go in, put it out, clean it up and leave...The grass fire that doesn't require much work MOST of the time...Car fires that are fairly easy...and the DREADED BIG fires that take forever....

Well this was on of those...As we are driving down the street we can see the flames shooting above the roof and we all knew it was go time.  Many times when we see fire we go straight into it trying to save people or their property.  Sometimes there isn't anything we can do but spray water on it and try to contain it.  They are not as much fun because we just stand around spraying water.  We would rather run into a burning house than sit outside spraying water...Well sometimes it happens..It took us over 5 hours to finally get the fire out and after it was extinguished we had the glorious job of climbing through the junk finding smoldering materials...It is a dirty job that has to be done...

Why am I talking about the fire?  Well this morning as I was sitting out there spraying water on the fire it allowed me to start thinking.  I have a dangerous job and when we go into fire I think a ton about my family and this morning was no different. 

Family is like fire fighting...Sometimes a situation arises that you have to run into before it gets out of hand.  In these situations, things can get out of control very quickly if you do not intervene.  Sometimes situations are simple and do not require much work to accomplish the goal.  Many times there isn't much you can do during a situation so you have to sit back a watch.  You have to let the situation take it's own path and when all is said and done you intervene and do the dirty work cleaning up the mess.

That is where we are right now in our lives.  We tried to intervene numerous times but the fire was too big....We tried to simplify it and the work didn't get done....So we sat back and watched until it was time to get in there and get dirty...

The thing about the fire this morning (as boring as it was putting the fire out) our job allows us as grown men to act like children playing in the mud...The work is dirty but it is a blast...The work is tedious but the reward is worth it......

Another great thing about my job is the teamwork it takes to accomplish the task at hand...I am blessed with a great group of guys who I can rely on when times get tough, when I don't have time to look behind me to see if there is someone who has my back if I get in trouble.... It is comforting knowing that at anytime I can turn to one of these guys and they would give their life to save mine...that is what a teammate is...  That is what a family is...Do we get a long all the time? NO!  Do we give each other a hard time? YES  Do we correct each other when someone does something wrong?  Most of the time!  Do we do it tactfully? Sometimes...Do we hurt each others feelings? YES!  Would we die for one another? ABSOLUTELY!

That's what family is and that is what family does.....

To be continued....

Falling

If you fall you get back up...if you fall again you get back up.  It seems so simple.  It teaches that you should never quit...when times get rough you are strong enough to get back up and go at it again no matter what the condition is.  It gives you a satisfaction that you can't receive from anywhere else.  All alone, nothing but you and your ability to get back up.  No help from anyone else, no sympathetic hand to pick you up...it's just you and you must get back up.  Life doesn’t discriminate whom she scars physically or emotionally.  You will have scars but that is ok. Scars are a good thing. Scars serve as a permanent reminder of our fragility but more importantly our strength. Scars are proof of what you have overcome. Every time I look at my many scars I remember how weak I was at the time the wound was formed, and what formed it. I remember the healing process. I remember the strength I didn’t know I had to push through, and I remember eventually being healed.

 Mehkya will have a scar.  Tonight she stumped her toe pretty bad.  It was the first time that we were truly concerned about her and her injury.  Like all parents it is tough seeing her in pain....but she will overcome and she will have the scar to show how she persevered. 

I had my second shift back to work so Rebecca had the boys. I had a pretty good shift driving Engine 4.  We were pretty slow and that is always a good thing.  I wish that I could take the kids into some of these houses so that they could see how great they really have it.  I did mess up today at work...While driving the engine and we got called to a fire just a few blocks from the station.  It is my job when I am driving to get us there as fast and safe as possible.  Well I missed the address (something I shouldn't do).  It wasn't a big deal thank goodness but I hate the fact that it could have been. 

 Rebecca and my brother in law took the boys to a Japanese steak house.  The boys really loved seeing the fire and watching their food cooked in front of them.  Cayden was a little rotten and learned that Rebecca doesn't play around.  If she says that she is going to take you outside and make you sit on the curb until you stop throwing a fit, she means it and Cayden found out the hard way.  Mehkya and Kennedy spent the night with the in-laws and a friend last night so Rebecca had the boys all day.  They had an up and down day.  We played outside tonight and Cayden is getting very good at riding his bike.  He falls a lot and gets scars....but that is ok.....

To be continued....

Red Raiders and Toilet seats

Well we all (well almost all) went to the Texas Tech game against Texas State.  The spread on the game was 39 points so I figured it would be fun watching Tech score a ton of points.  Well the game didn't go like it was planned for a while.  Tech was losing at half time to lowly Texas State.  In a way this game was an example of how our day went. 

Tech has a tradition called Raider walk where the players walk down the street before the game slap hands with the fans.  I figured it would be fun to take the boys out there so they could see the players up close and personal.  The problem with Raider walk is it starts 2:30 hours before the game.  It was a warm day and being out there that early was tough on the boys.  Even before the game started, they were ready to go home.  At kick off it was pretty warm inside the Jones AT&T stadium.  The sun had been beating down on us for a while and it was not letting up.

It must have bothered the players as well because TSU put it on our Raiders during the first half.  You could tell the boys were having a tough time dealing with the heat and started getting restless.  THEN BOOM a West Texas dust storm came a long and cooled down the stadium...Just like that they boys started acting like we expected them to and Tech started playing like we expected!

The boys really enjoyed the game after it cooled down and Tech walked away winning by 40 points.  Overall it was a great game.

The boys fell asleep on the way home but they really needed a shower.  So I woke them up and they headed into the bathroom. 

We have been working with the boys about putting the toilet seat up when they pee and down after they are done.  Well tonight since we were in a hurry I decided to lift the seat for them.  BAM!  Toilet seat to the nose of one Camyrn....Like an upper cut from a boxer the toilet seat caught him right on the button and the tears started to flow...He ended up ok..

Tomorrow is church and hanging out with family...

To be continued....

Fire station blues....

Well it is back to work for me. I have been off for almost 3 weeks and returned last night.  I was really looking forward to getting back to my normal routine so at 5pm I walked back into station 4 in Lubbock, Texas.  The guys seemed like they were glad I was back.  I figured I would just slide back into my daily routine at the station and I did.  Last night as I was laying in bed, for the first time since I was hired, I really didn't want to be here.  I missed being at home with all the noise and chaos that has been going on at my house.  I missed kissing the girls good night, praying with them and doing the same for the boys.  For the first time in a long time I saw myself doing another job....

Rebecca said things went pretty smooth last night and this morning with all the kids.  I was pretty concerned that she would be driving crazy with getting everyone ready to go to bed and up for school.  She handled it like a champ.

I'm ready to get off work and get home.  Should be a good weekend

To be continued......